stream of consciousness check in so I don’t check out –
it’s been a minute since I took the time to be transparent – even if it’s to a fabricated audience I know that my experience is a gift from the G of my understanding – for me to give to someone else –
I don’t even remember what it was that I recorded last so I’m going to just jump right in and hopefully it is a comprehensive and cohesive stream~
“And Yaakov awoke from his sleep, and he said, ‘Indeed, Hashem is present in this place, and I did not know!’” (28:17)
I have this unyielding crazy affection for the Akedas Yitzhak so I’d like to zoom in on the moment in this parsha when Yaakov HaTzaddik lays down in the exact place that the Akeda took place
this week’s parsha in Beresheis is lofty. lots of variables and many different predecessors to extract lessons from – we are to remember the storiesof our elders are literally practical and applicable in our own lives
in modernized thinking and in an attempt to penetrate compassion back into society there is much emphasis on making decisions based on “matters of the heart” – the tongue and cheek phrase “the longest journey in the humans life is the journey btwn the head and the heart ” etc –
So I hold that this is not a healthy way to navigate the journey and put G-d first , bc emotion based thinking (if that’s even a thing?) usually caused me to act in behalf of my animal soul. in extreme situations when I’m far from balanced emotional based choices lead me away from emunah/faith and closer to self obsession , self centered rationale
So the deal with Yaakov is that he had an opportunity to sit in school and learn the will and wisdom of our one true creator and sustainer . This is a reference point for a vertical stance in life where the head is appropriately situated above the heart. The Torah tells us that Yaakov took rest from time to time but he never slept ~ never went horizontal all those years learning . … his mind and thoughts were constantly focused on holy ideas and concepts allowing him to have proper focus and intention in his reality . .. after his time for learning had lapsed he then went from a complete spiritual immersion into a physically laborious lifestyle. The city In which he was laboring is described as “the wrath of G-d”. His ’employer’ was disrespectful and the work conditions as well as the environment itself was awful. never the less he kept on showing up for works sake, always having in mind who His boss was! His character was so refined from his vertical learning that he was able to maintain humility dignity integrity etc- In such a lowly location.
Eventually he goes on his way from torah to this city of wrath
this location btwn holiness (Torah study/focus on G) and Choran (city of wrath) is noted as the same location of the Binding of Isaac as well as the location of the formation of Adam and Eve.
what does this have to do with me? I’ve made a conscious decision to lI’ve a vertical life. I am choosing to live a life where I “guard the Torah”. I legit know what it’s like to live in a city “G-d’s wRath”… I know what it’s like to be directionless, confused , hopeless, goalless, filled with anxiety and looking for answers in all of the wrong places.
through Hashem’s Grace I have left that city and do my best to keep my focus on all of the light there is to be revealed in this world. the dealski is that I am not Yaakov. I’m a regular human filled with flaws and mistakes and soul that requires guarding and a character that needs tons of refinement
While establishing a faith based relationship with G-d as I understood him I had the merit to learn eastern philosophy , sankya philosophy to be exact and eventually participate in a physical world by teaching yoga.
I feel so torn and so far removed from a horizontal existence bc at a soul level I have not arrived at a space of equanimity in my labor. my G given talent is to move tender women thru a physical experience so that they can create space in their bodies – to heal, release, relax, cultivate discipline etc-
it’s a deep honor and huge responsibility. I am grateful for the honor.
I basically feel the heavy burden of responsibility to guide people away from their heart back to their minds by insisting the physical postures are practice for discipline . it’s a counter intuitive meditation . usually meditation in the studio is a quick “mini vacation”. but my soul is begging everyone including myself ” no , don’t leave sit here, stay, use your mind , develop a one pointed focus.. “.. now get off the mat, act like a warrior of light , use your mind to apply your talents to help someone else, and then quietly feel the warmth in your heart.
every opportunity to teach I’m met with my own negative self talk that is begging me to stop teaching. I come up with all sorts of funny realities some of which are to true to know what to do with – such as false idol worship. it is all over the yoga community and it’s causing me an aching I can’t describe.
if G-d is my boss, then is there room for zealously as a teacher in the NY scene ?
At the end of all of this dancing btwn physical and spiritual – one which is always the mirror for the other – there is always sivasana. the etymology geek in me likes to believe that shobbos and Sivas(ana) are synonymous. the irony? we take Sivasana horizontally.
I’m publishing this without an edit or review in hopes of just checking in so I don’t check out.
if you are of the audience that is live and direct please be inspired to look with on before critiquing my vulnerable assessment of self.
all the best .